The monotony of alone I cannot stand.
I want a morning friend, a speaking post,
someone to blow smoke in my eyes and
apologize, profusely. Leave leather shoes
in an incense-tinted room, hand me grapes,
greens, television screens. The carpet,
worn down with years of gravity, is
uncharacteristically quiet these days.
The ceiling fan in the first empty bedroom
spins a story until I flip the switch, pull
the plug to that stupid stereo or adjust
its revolting volume to tones of street lights
and watering cans, untended gardens and
unfinished drawings. I will not request;
I will not argue. I will center my spine
with an office chair in the center
of a living room, adjusting the orbit
of my legs to the tune of morning birds:
cherry-beep, cherry-beep.
The empathy of a piano
overrides their passion. My
computer blinks back, unknowingly,
silent as humidity.
Damn this graphite. Why don't you ever
throw your poetry on me?
But that's foolish.
I know you do.
The clicking of rain on abandoned cars assures me this.
Kris,
ReplyDeleteBits I found chewy and flavorful: “someone to blow smoke in my eyes and / apologize, profusely,” “hand me grapes, greens, television screens,” “tones of street lights / and watering cans,” “cherry-beep, cherry-beep,” and “clicking of rain.” This draft drips with great language and snappy phrasing. I love the subtle rhyming throughout—eyes and apologize, greens and screens. Nicely done.
Lots of potential here, lots of language to keep for future drafts. However, I have a few suggestions. Try adjusting the rhythm in some of the lines, like: “computer blinks back, unknowingly.” “Blinks back” sounds quick and interesting, but “unknowingly” slows down the zest there. “Uncharacteristically” quiet jars a bit too – maybe something with just a couple less syllables would tighten that up a bit?
Wonderful piece overall—I would love to see any future drafts of this one.
Kris,
ReplyDeleteI like how you set up the feeling of being alone with your opening line, "the monotony of being alone". It sets the tone for the remedy to loneliness that follows. I also like the way the piece subtly takes the reader from all the the things that would cure the speaker's loneliness into the things that express loneliness.
I do agree with MacKenzie, "uncharacteristically" is a bit much, it doesn't roll off the tongue the way it needs to in order to maintain the rhythm of the line.
Kris,
ReplyDeleteThe first line of this piece draws me in nicely, I like the inverted syntax and the mimicked sounds in “monotony” and “cannot”. It is also nicely contrasted with the following lines. The initial line is almost melancholy, while the following lines move in a nice upbeat rhythm and mirror the happiness the speaker seems to think these things will bring. The descriptions are very neatly done, I especially like “The carpet,/ worn down with years of gravity, is/ uncharacteristically quiet these days.” I almost want to know what the carpet was chatty about before. The lament at the end “Damn this graphite. Why don’t you ever/ throw your poetry on me?” is despairing and funny at the same time. I’d like to see you explore that tension a little more in the rest of the piece. Also, you might consider replacing the word “clicking” with something else to describe the noise of rain on cars. It just doesn’t seem to fit quite right. I’d like to see where this piece goes in the future.