from "Notes for a Poem in which God Does Not Appear" by Dan Albergotti
"Drought has hardened the earth enough
to break a shovel. The air is dry, the sky
cloudless. Do not make the bright sun irony.
Only let it burn, apart from everything."
burning at the heart of the solar system,
our sun sits alone. Yet it does not sit
but turns endlessly, pulling all the planets,
comets, asteroids, moons, satellites, and floating
bits of paper near. Nearer and nearer,
until we are all in drought. We dig
into the earth, searching endlessly
for even a single drop. But the dirt is dry,
the air, arid. Not a cloud in the sky
to warn us of oncoming water. In this sense,
the sun is irony. The birth of planets, the birth
of life; the birth of my brothers, sisters,
lovers, friends. For this, we love the sun.
That single burning mass, our own personal star;
that bringer of food, frolic, vision, breath:
This will be the death of us.
Its bloodthirsty rays will eat us alive.
Kris,
ReplyDeleteI like the apocalyptic tone of this draft and how it "answers" Alberghotti's poem in a rebellious way. The words "burning" and "sit" appears twice--both could use a metaphor or simile. In the last line, "bloodthirsty rays" works well to make the sun like a predator instead of a nurturer. Overall, it is a good expression of an alarming scientific reality; however, I think some rewording with less frequent use of passive voice and even more descriptive words,possibly astrological terms would give it more impact to the reader. I see a lot of potential in this draft to become a great poem. Good luck!