Response to Mackenzie's "Improv Week 12"
Mackenzie,
I have mostly specific comments. Firstly, the last phrase in "stockings that twinkle and rub with desire" can be taken out entirely, leaving "stockings that twinkle and rub." The desire is implied (or "for free") in stockings, Bond, and the word "rub." Another phrase I think could be removed is "James Bond" in lines 4/5. I get the reference, but it distracts more than it adds. The section starting with "Two kids there" and ending with "I was told" needs a little clarification. I think you are refering to different rooms, but it is vague. Also, "half-brothers" comes after the games instead of the people, which is somewhat confusing. Overall, your imagery is great, specific and varied, and you have a very straight-forward kind of speaking style. Well done, keep revising.
No comments:
Post a Comment