Response to Mackenzie's "Improv Week 13"
Mackenzie,
I like how you so well imitated the simplistic yet uniquely specific illustration of a scene, and I have mostly very centered comments. First, I think the word "vast" could be doing more. "[F]lashing" describes both the sky and a discotheque, but vast seems only relevant to the sky. I did, however, enjoy the parallelism between the thunderstorm and a firework show with people gathering "to watch the display." This could even be a source of expansion, trying to stay on track with the firework metaphor and see what other descriptive language it lends you. I love the phrase "hollow chest-rattle feeling"--I can picture/feel what it means well--but also suggest thinking about "hollow chest-rattle feel;" this is phonetically and grammatically a little more interesting. I don't agree with the phrase "vibrato crescendo settled" though. Both vibrato and crescendo imply movement; I don't think either ever settle. But, crescendo can be a verb, and vibrato can crescendo through/into (choose your preposition) a ribcage. One last specific comment: "brief illuminations" does not work for me. It sounds too trivial, and I feel that the piece is otherwise working to point out the extraordinary in this event. Good job, keep working!
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